Choosing To Be Grateful

Intentionally choosing to give thanks - even when things are not going our way - is the truest path to feeling grateful. We’ve all heard the saying “gratitude is an attitude”, and I think it’s true. We only come into the realm of truly feeling grateful when we intentionally voice our thanks for whatever comes our way. To illustrate, let me tell you a story of one of my own Thanksgiving pasts.

About 15 years ago or so, we still lived in our family home where we’d raised our kids in Western Massachusetts. My daughters were home with spouses/fiancés, and we were hosting my entire family: siblings and spouses, nieces, nephews, in-laws, aunts, grandparents - you name it. There were probably about 20-25 people in our home and it was just as I liked it: large, boisterous, chaotic and filled with family and friends. Among the beloved assembly was my mom who was still doing fairly well health-wise, despite a few recent challenges.

The afternoon was heading towards the nadir of the perfectly roasted turkey being pulled from the oven, 24 pounds of golden brown, fragrant perfection. The sides were ready to be briefly rewarmed, the only final touch being to finish the gravy as the turkey rested for a few minutes. My mother and my younger daughter’s mother-in-law-to-be (let’s call her Jane) were happily sitting at one of the tables set for dinner, chatting about whatever. My mother loved to be with Jane, and they both seemed involved in the conversation at hand.

As I pulled the turkey out of the oven, Jane signaled to me in some distress that my mother seemed to not be doing too well. I plunked the turkey onto the stove and headed to my mom. Sure enough, she was unconscious, with her head lolling back. I was unable to rouse her, and my husband called 911, summoning an ambulance.

The EMTs arrived quickly, and by then, my mother had started to come around. A quick family conference determined who would go to the ED with my mom, and who would stay. In the end, my sister and I went with her. Worried about my mom and also concerned about what would happen to this beautiful meal I’d planned and cooked, my family rallied round. My brother offered to make the gravy. My sister-in-law offered to warm the sides and get them ready. My other brother stepped up to carve the turkey, and my daughters offered to get everything else ready. My sister and I were shooed off to the hospital. As we pulled away, I imagined all kinds of horrible scenarios - and then? I could hear my mother joking in the back with the EMT; I groaned, not knowing whether to be grateful she seemed to be ok, or furious that my Thanksgiving was “ruined”. I chose to wait and see.

After about two hours or so in the waiting area of the ED, we were called in. The fainting episode was determined to be the result of a 95% blocked carotid artery, and surgery was booked for the next morning. After settling my mother in and promising to return the next day after her surgery, my sister and I returned to my home.

My family had saved us each a plate of Thanksgiving dinner, including a choice of desserts. As we entered, everyone was gathered in the family room laughing and enjoying being together; dishes were set aside to deal with later. The turkey carcass was being turned into turkey soup (thankfully, I had prepped the vegetables for the soup ahead of time, so it was an easy post-dinner task). As we sat in the kitchen eating our dinner, my sister and I looked around at our family who had kept things together. As we answered questions and chatted about the crazy afternoon we’d just had, I suddenly realized that I was so grateful for them; for this amazing family who had calmly stayed the course even in the midst of crisis; who had made sure the meal was served, that nothing was wasted, that Thanksgiving would continue on. Sitting in my kitchen, listening to the laughter and the conversations, I chose to be thankful. It had turned out to be a good Thanksgiving after all.

But wait. There’s more!

As I gazed at the dishes that were piled on the counters in the kitchen, trying not to be annoyed that no one had done the dishes, my husband broke the news that our kitchen sink was hopelessly clogged. And because the kitchen sink was clogged, the dishwasher could not wash, and there was no way to drain the dirty water from the sinks. We were “stuck” with dirty dishes until we could get a plumber. Dishes and pots and pans towered on every counter; on the kitchen and dining room tables; on any surface that was flat and accommodating. At first, I growled. I spit. I was building up steam… but then. The whole thing - this entire day- suddenly struck me as ludicrous, outrageous - totally insane! And so I started to giggle. And then one daughter squeaked a hiccup of laughter, then the other snorted a choked laugh. And then one by one, we all joined in the wonder of the absurd, laughing until we cried. And then? Instead of getting angry, I sat down in the mess, poured myself a glass of wine, and chose to be grateful that I had so many dirty dishes: they were a testimony to a Thanksgiving meal that was bountiful, and to a family that was faithful, and just crazy enough to laugh in the face of it all.

The next day, The Miracle of The Plumber was visited upon our home, and I was over-the-moon grateful. He diagnosed the problem, fixed it, and by mid-afternoon we were doing dishes. Lots of dishes! Countless pots and pans. And yet. There was joy in those dishes; the water was flowing and draining once again! And those of us who were home, family and friends, we continued to laugh and simply wonder at how a Thanksgiving gone so wrong had turned out so right.

As difficult as those 24 hours were, that Thanksgiving remains one that my husband and I remember fondly; in fact, this blog post is at his request. He wanted me to share that sometimes, it’s the holidays that go so terribly wrong that give us the most to be thankful for.

It’s a choice: we can choose to be grateful in the midst of the chaos and the mess, or we can choose the road of anger, bitterness, or disappointment. I’ve come to believe that it is only in the choosing of gratitude that our hearts seem to glow a little more warmly; that our blessings seem to shine just a little bit brighter.

On that Thanksgiving all those years ago, I chose to be thankful for a family that gathered round and pitched in, no matter their worries, or the difficulties that had arisen. I chose to be thankful for my mother’s “episode”, for it led to a diagnosis of a dangerous condition we may not have learned of before it was too late. I chose to be grateful for that mountain of dirty dishes because it was a testament to plenty: to a feast that was enjoyed and to a family that continued to gather round, to give thanks, to love.

I have come to believe that I need to keep on giving thanks even in the messes of life so that I can learn to be grateful in all things. Like all good things that shine, gratitude is an attitude that needs to be polished each and every day, even when I don’t feel like it. And probably - especially then, for when I don’t fee like it is when I most need to be grateful. It’s in the giving thanks in difficult times that I learn what true gratitude is.