The Heart-Prints of Friends
To write about friendship is like trying to grasp a handful of clouds. It sounds simple enough, but the devil is in the detail of the trying, of the grasping - and the failing. We all think we know what friendship is - until it is examined, held, gazed upon - and then we realize that this thing we call friendship is wide and broad, deep and full, rich and complex. More than we can imagine. It is mysterious, ethereal, and oh! So necessary.
Monday night I was able to join in, once again, on a Zoom call with a small group of high school friends. We’ve been having these monthly virtual gatherings ever since the pandemic led to a cancellation of our annual weekend gathering in New Hampshire back in June of 2020. These virtual gab-fests happen with regularity, thanks to one faithful lady who makes it all happen. (Thanks, Betsy!) We gather to chat, to catch up, to connect. Those are good times, sweet times, necessary heart-hours squeezed into busy days.
Sadly - I’m not very good at keeping up with these monthly calls. The heart wishes it to be so, but life intervenes, pushes in, demands attention all its own. Work schedules, family, other appointments, demands from disparate corners of my life derail this good intention to be with friends whom I’ve known for 52 years now. But regardless of my erratic attendance, when I am able, I am welcomed back into the circle as long-lost, loved, acknowledged. Recognized. It’s what friends do; overlook the not so pretty, invite into the heart, and honor connection.
To continue life’s journey with the women who were the girls of my youth is a special gift I don’t take for granted, a testimony to friendships we forged back in our freshman days of high school when we were young, foolishly innocent, and filled with the raw hope of adolescence. Although our lives ambled through roads diverse, we have stayed connected, involved with each other in ways that are at once necessary, yet so precious. Some of the women rise up to lead the charge of connection; others follow gladly, grateful for the nudge to stay in tune, in touch, in “friend”. There’s a special blessing to not being forgotten in a time and place where it can be so easy to marginalize another, to always turn again to the next new thing or person or place.
Monday night? We shared stories and experiences that have changed us - even in these harsher times than those we remember from our childhood. It is the hope of aging, I think - this looking back to ponder and discern and acknowledge this changed world, and understand that perhaps… just perhaps, some things we remember were not quite the “best of times” we’d like to believe. There is value to understanding the shortcomings of our generation - and the wisdom of those coming after us. There is grace in knowing that at the end of the day, there are those of us who recognize the errors of those who’ve gone before, and the willingness of some of us to move forward into a new understanding of life, of society, of love.
These musings on friendship come up before me, I think, because there is a “bookend” to my understanding of friends. On Saturday? Friendship will take the road sadly traveled. I’ll be speaking at a memorial service for a dear friend I met later in life; we were in our late 30’s when we connected, and quickly became close as sisters until the day she died. So I suppose it’s natural that I ponder the meaning of friendship as I struggle to put into words how a friend, now gone, has left such a deep heart-print upon my life.
And s0? A few thoughts on friendship- the young friends grown wise, a wise friend now passed - each necessary, each precious.
True friendship is not random or casual. It is one of the most intentional acts of life, this reaching out to another. To make a true friend requires a certain amount of discernment and trust: will this person “fit” with me? Will she cause me to grow? Will she challenge me? support me? or will this be a sometime-friend who won’t ever scratch the surface of my well-crafted armor? Will she honor the “real” me, or am I a notch on the social belt of another’s life? Will our life experiences cause us to reach out and expand our horizons? or will it be a contest of wills, a marathon of frustration?
Friendship should be entered into with care, nurtured with love, honored and cherished. It is a sacred journey. We cannot be “besties” with just anyone - or everyone. Much as in a healthy marriage, friendship requires a unique commitment, a willingness to persevere, a vulnerability to be real and honest with another human being - simply because we have come to love them as they are.
The making of a good friend needs constant feeding and watering of the soul, each to and by the other; the sunlight of good times enjoyed, the night-darkness of shared heartache, loss, tragedy. To foster a good friendship, both persons need to be willing to sacrifice, to “make do” if necessary, to give as well as receive, to give up and give in. As in any relationship, love develops only when each person is willing to do what it takes to make the other happy.
A good friend enriches one’s life. Beyond the unique bonds of a marital spouse, a friend provides another deep connection, a safe harbor where emotions are freely exchanged, where understanding and non-judgment are understood and appreciated. With my friend, part of the deep bond we shared was the wisdom gained in marriage, as well as the heartaches that such relationships inevitably engender. We understood the disappointments of marriage and parenthood as well as the immeasurable joys, and gained wisdom and grace in the shared understanding. We connected in areas deep in faith, in God and in universe and mercy and love. We fed upon each other’s life-gained wisdom, and became better persons for the sharing.
On Saturday, I will remember my friend Denise and all she meant to me. On Saturday, I’ll speak to the love and wisdom of friendship, gained when we were young and innocent, or fostered in the later days of adulthood. On Saturday, I will honor friendship in all its forms, facets and foibles.
On Saturday, I will speak because friendship is worth cultivating, remembering, honoring; because there is no greater blessing than a soul-deep friend.
And last- but not least: a quick note to my faithful readers:
After today, I will be publishing this blog on Fridays. It’s easier for me with my work schedule, and many have written to tell me they “save” these posts for Saturday mornings, and that lingering cup of coffee. A big thank-you to those of you who have been faithful readers of Simply Sacred Life - and an invitation to all to write to me, send me your comments, your thoughts, your heart-songs. I always love hearing from those who read in this space. Thank you for being on this journey with me!